Why “don’t bring me problems” causes problems (and how to face them together)

I recently watched a video of a tech CEO explaining why he doesn’t do one-to-ones with his direct reports. His reasoning was that he doesn’t want employees bringing him subjects he’s not interested in, his preference being to discuss things in a group. This second point I do agree with in principle but I also wonder how safe people in his team might feel to raise problems.

Listening to this interview made me raise my eyebrows a touch and also reminded me of some of the leaders I’ve worked with (and for) over the years who say things like “Don’t bring me your problems, show me your progress.”

It’s easy to see why that attitude appeals. On the surface, it sounds very action oriented and productive which should be motivating I suppose? From what I’ve seen though, the reality is by saying and behaving like this they are enforcing silence and avoiding things that will come back to the surface eventually. When a leader makes it clear that the messy problems are unwelcome unless they come with a proposed solution, people adapt their behaviour accordingly.

How this shows up day to day

These are some of the ways I’ve seen this show up in teams, I’m sure many of us have experienced these at some point.

Bad news gets hidden

Delivery reports stay ‘green’ right up until a project falls off a cliff or a launch date is missed. People avoid raising early red flags because they don’t feel they can ask for help. When coaching teams on agile ways of working I’ve sometimes referred to this as watermelon reporting – green on the outside, bright red on the inside.

The real meetings happen in private

The official leadership meeting becomes a performative exercise where everyone nods along and agrees. The real worries, team dynamics and politics go underground into post-meeting side chats.

Collaboration dies

This type of leadership seems to go hand in hand with people being encouraged to perform separately rather than collaborate. When managers are forced to bring instant solutions alone, they end up hiding issues that eventually pop up elsewhere. Complex problems require people working together to solve.

Looking at this from a systemic perspective

Systemic coaching is an approach that focuses on the broader environment, relationships and networks surrounding a person or a team rather than looking at them in isolation. The more I’ve been practicing this approach intentionally, the more I’m able to put words to things that I’ve previously only felt instinctively.

In systemic coaching it is said that human systems – whether they are families or leadership teams – will always reveal themselves fully in the end. As author and systemic coach John Whittington puts it:

“The system will always find a way to express what has been excluded, forgotten, or denied, whether we like it or not.”

When leadership pretends an issue doesn’t exist, the issue of course doesn’t just vanish. The same applies to organisation level events that are ignored. Things like big delivery failures, unexplained departures or any kind of restructure or ‘operating model’ update. Teams and organisations carry history, and that needs to be acknowledged.

If ignored, problems will show up in different ways and most of them will end up wasting money and time and leave you with poorer quality products and services. Things like staff turnover, people taking long sick leaves, burnout, or friction that never goes away no matter how many team resets happen. Often it’s a feeling that things just take too long to deliver but nobody can put their finger on why it’s so hard or what exactly needs to be fixed.

I understand why sweeping things under the rug might seem like the best idea at the time. It can be uncomfortable to face up to things when they are happening – but it rarely pays off in the end. Real shifts only happen when a leader has the courage to stand back with their team, look at ‘what is’ and name the elephant or the ‘stinky fish’ in the room.

Some questions leaders can ask themselves

If your team feels stuck or underperforming and you recognise avoidant tendencies in your own leadership, there are some questions you can ask yourself before you jump straight into problems you might have with individuals:

Who or what is being ignored or excluded? (A past employee, a previous failure, a lack of clear strategy or purpose?)
Where might we be pretending things are fine when they aren’t?
Is this latest problem we’re facing actually new, or is it a recurring pattern under a different name?

Using constellations to come unstuck

Even better than individual reflection, a powerful way to acknowledge the system within and around your team is by using constellation mapping as a workshop format. It’s a practical and visual way of making hidden dynamics visible and it can sometimes help teams to move on from years of ‘stuckness’ in less than an hour.

There are various excellent constellation formats, but here are two you could start with

Living History

This exercise acknowledges everyone’s rightful place in the system.

Set up a visual clock face (on the floor or using a digital whiteboarding tool). Starting at 12 o’clock with the person who joined the team earliest, have team members place themselves around the clock in chronological order of joining.

This takes away the hierarchical view of the team and replaces it with a systemic one; and gives everyone their rightful place. It can be especially useful when a new leader joins to recognise the fact that while they may hold structural authority, they do not hold all the knowledge and context that has preceded them. It might seem simple but the act of acknowledging this can restore order and calm.

Navigating transitions

This exercise draws upon the William Bridges transition model and invites a team to place themselves where they think they are in relation to three distinct phases:

Ending – acknowledging what is coming to an end (all change starts here)
Neutral Zone – the in-between state where you might be waiting, processing or navigating uncertainty
New Beginnings – feeling renewed and reoriented and ready to move forward

Again, this is a very simple format but with the right questioning you can open up powerful insight for the team and encourage them to take ownership for how they want to move on to ‘better’ from the place they are. You could close the session with paired discussions around questions like:

What did we learn about where we are as a team?
What do we need to embrace and what do we need to let go of?
What actions do we need to take following today?

Looking underneath is hard, but worth it

Uncovering hidden dynamics can be really difficult sometimes when you’re standing in the middle of them. If you think you might need help in working on something like this with your team, or just want to chat more about this, get in touch.

Cara Bermingham